Immigrants: Foreigners and Japan

"It isn't always what you say, its how you say it."

- Archie Poole, co-founder, Japan Experts.

Editors Note: As a foreigner living in Japan, I have heard and said my fair share of jokes at the expense of the Japanese. Here we poke fun at ourselves. -AP

Thousands of Western immigrants, or migrant workers as the case may be, who insist on living in Japan cover this great nation like the sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac burger bun, but unlike those buds, fall neatly into several categories, except people from the former axis allies. They universally fall into the first category.

The Rising Sun Syndrome:

Taken from the movie of the same name, it is a person not born in Japan (Nippon) and not having Japanese ancestry who has his or her name transferred into Japanese (Kokugo) "Kanji" characters, loves modern Kurosawa films, and enjoys natto (Japanese cheese). These people populate the globe and continue to spread the flat out lies like, "Japanese people are kind and courteous, and get along well together." These people are often mistaken for expert®s on Japan and look to other expert®s on Japan for guidance. Life is short. Please humor them.

The Steve 'I kick taxi's that don't stop to pick me up' Johnson Syndrome:

Someone who lives in Japan for five or more years but can't seem to leave Japan, can't seem to find anything to like about Japan, and can't seem to understand his or her inability to "fit in". Many suffering with this syndrome find that watching videotapes of their favorite TV shows and listening to the Far East Network, "The Eagle", are their only connections with "home." These people are seldom taken for expert®s on Japan but flock to buy books written by the few Johnson Syndrome victims who do manage to spend some of their time productively and vent their frustrations in manuscript form. If you or someone you know is suffering from the Johnson Syndrome, please seek professional help from an expert@.

The "In the U.S..." Syndrome:

Annoying Americans who must incessantly compare Japan's faults to those of the U.S. Like those who compare U.S. Rice with Japanese Rice. Don't they realize it's like saying all wine is the same. As one Japanese colleague put it,"We don't care what its like where you're from. You ain't from here so you'd best mind your own business." Lest we forget the opposite of this Syndrome, the Rising Sun Syndrome, wherein the victim believes that Japan can do no wrong and that the emperor is actually descended from the Sun god, not a Hawaiian priestess as is actually the case.

The Clingons:

No relation to the Star Trek nemesis of Capt. James T. Kirk, these folks are lonely and once they latch on to you in a train, a station or where have you, you will be in for their semi rehearsed version of their life story. Beware of smiling foreigners on buses.